True Love ?
by Roony
Summary: A parody about Harry and Ginny's romance. For all HP lovers and G/H haters.


title: True Love (?)

author: Roony

sum: A parody of how Harry and Ginny fell into their passionate romance.

rating: T

note: okay, some of this humor may a tad too graphic...if you feel that way, please please please just tell me via e-mail, don't report me.

now, to all you Ginny/Harry lovers... I hate that pairing. It just doesn't make sense to me. This parody will explore the reasons justifying my hatred...

enjoy.

* * *

At the great party after the Gryffindors win the Quidditch cup:

Harry, despite the fact that he's HARRY POTTER and won the game, somehow finds himself sitting all alone. Yes, somehow they finally surgically removed Ron from his hip. Hermione has been drugged and is currently being date-raped by Seamus and Dean (not that anyone cares about that know-it-all bitch, just fyi). Yes, poor orphan amazingly-talented, well-adjusted despite-the-trauma-he-has-suffered, and ever-the-victim Harry Potter is all alone. Except, of course for that ginger goddess, Ginny Weasley.

Harry, staring emo-ly into the roaring fire while clutching his pumpkin juice, decides to make his move. He has no choice; Seamus and Dean used up all of the roofie and Spanish fly on Hermione.

"Ginny," he says, "Did I ever tell you that my parents are…" He sighs, gathering his strength. "_**Dead**_?"  
Ginny thinks for a moment. "Why, yes, Harry, I believe you have."

He turns to her, quietly sliding his hand over hers. "Well, let me tell you again."

She stares into those deep, pond scum orbs, entranced by the rat's nest of raven hair. And the scar… Some would call it a blemish, a horrible disfiguration, or a cheap over-the-top cliché. But she called it 'sex'. Pure sex. "Okay."

"Ginny," he whispers quietly, voice solemn. "My parents are…" He pauses a moment, fighting back the tears. "_**Dead**_."

She gasps at the horror of his situation, the tragedy, and the shock that he would reveal this to _her_of all people. "How awful!"

"I know," he says gravely, looking away. He adds, "But you don't."

She nods solemnly, appalled by her own ignorance and shamed that she can never know his deep deep deep deep deep deep _deep_ pain. "Yes."

He turned to her again, caressing her hand. "I have something to tell you, Ginny." He leans over her, eyes filled with feeling and longing.

She looks up at him, in wonder. He is a god. "What, Harry?" she manages to breathe.

"Ginny, remember how I've basically ignored you for three whole years, despite the fact that I'm so close with your brother that he and I could easily transition into being lovers and I nobly saved your life in your first year?"

She nods. "Sure, Harry."

"Well, I've decided that I'm completely in love with you." He waits, ready for her to faint dead away. Then he'll have his chance.

But, she doesn't. She feels dizzy and fluttery, but hangs onto consciousness. Can this be a dream? A wonderland where fantasies are made true? "Really?"

He holds her hands in his, pressing them to his heart. "You had me at 'pickled toad'. You're almost like a female Ron, so you're the best choice of a mate I'll ever find."

Ginny gasps and fears her heart will burst. "Oh! I'm positively bursting with emotion!"

He leans down…very down…nearly bends in half actually, because she is a rather petite girl. About the size of a ten year old actually. In fact, it's as if she hasn't grown since she's gotten to Hogwarts. But he doesn't care. If this means he'll finally be with the woman he's always loved, it's worth it. Plus, he'll finally shag someone. No way in hell is Harry Potter leaving school a virgin.

The kiss is unlike any other kiss in the entire history of humans in the entire universe. Ever.

Then, sadly, longingly, the star-crossed lovers must break for air.

Harry grabs Ginny's hands and leads her out to the party. "We are now madly in love," he announces.

She nods, still totally enraptured by his beauty. Oh, he is like a sculpted Greek bronze, and he's chosen _her._ "Yes we are."

But Harry can't just prance up to the dormitory, take Ginny into his arms, and make sweet sultry love to her. Seamus and Dean are still up there with a doped up Hermione. And, our noble hero has a sense of proper gentile manner about him. He is dating his best friend's sister, and must promptly rub his best friend's face in it.

He approaches Ron just as Ginny has started to give him a hickey.

"Ron, I have something to tell you," he declares.

The soulless, ha-ha-he's-dirt-poor ginger turns from his discussion on existentialism with Neville Lomgbottom to speak with his very bestest-best buddy ever, EVER. "What could it possibly be, Harry?"

Harry decides he should tell Ron gently. Meanwhile, Ginny has climbed up onto his back for a better position as she nibbles on his ear.

"Ron, you know how we're so close that the other boys in the dormitory have a bet on how fast I'll make you a pillow biter?"

Ron looks slightly confused. "Of course, Harry, but why can't I be on top?"

Harry puts an arm around his best friend's shoulder and looks him deeply in the eyes. "I'm Harry Fuckin' Potter, Ron." Ron nods as it dawns on him, but Harry continues to explain and declare his total sense of nobility. "Sure I prove how amazing I am by pretending to be super-impressed by that dilapidated shack you call a house and being friends with your mum and dad, who, despite being rather ordinary looking, have shucked like bunnies in order to squander what little finances they have on six rather ordinary and dull children. Save Fred and George of course, who will either marry each other or their own reflections this June."

"It's going to be a beautiful ceremony," Ron remarks thoughtfully.

"But let's get serious, Ron," Harry says, putting his arm around the shoulder of his best friend and looking deeply into his eyes. "I would have my Platform 9 ¾ buried so deep in your chamber of secrets, if you were to open your mouth people would see another eye."

Ron nods, smiling. "You're absolutely right, Harry. Just like always."

"Yes I am," Harry affirms.

"So what did you want to tell me, Harry?" Ron asks as his sister begins to lick Harry's face.

Harry continues, unabated. "Since we are so close that your mom has actually picked out the tuxes for our wedding-"

"Are they nice tuxes?" Ron asks dreamily.

"Unfortunately, they're both stained with tears."

Ron's face falls. "Oh."

"You see, your mum wept on them while lamenting her failures as a mother," Harry explains.

Ron nods understandably. "I see."

"Did I mention my parents are…" He almost can't bring himself to say it. "_**Dead**_?"

Ron thinks a moment to remember. "Yeah, I think so."

Harry nods. "Well, I'm saying it again. Anyway, I thought I should tell you something."

"What could it be?" Ron asks as Ginny begins to dry-hump her new boyfriend's leg.

"Ron, you know Ginny, right?" Harry asks, trying to slowly guide his friend to the truth.

"My sister?" Ron guesses.

"Yes."

"The sister I love with all of my heart, even though I never really socialize with or even speak to?"

Harry nods. "That's the one."

"The sister whom you care about also like a sister?"

"Yes." As he has this serious, man-to-man talk, Harry slaps his new girlfriend, Ron's sister, hard on the ass, to which she gives a moan of pleasure.

"The sister whom a relationship between you and her would be almost as creepy and slightly incestual as you forcing me to swallow your Hogwarts Express?" Ron asks.

"You've got it."

"Why, what about her?" Ron asks.

At this moment, Ron realizes that Harry and Ginny are holding hands.

"She and I are deeply in love," Harry states, "We just decided."

Ron brightens up, nearly ecstatic. "Why congratulations! How positively marvelous! I have absolutely no hard feelings about this once so ever!"

Harry smiles. "Great!"

"Can I have a threesome with you sometime?" Ron asks eagerly.

Harry smiles and pats his friend on the back. "Sure."

"Wow! You're the best friend ever, Harry!" Ron squeals.

"I know, Ron," Harry agrees proudly, "I know."

At this point, Ginny tongues Harry and giggles girlishly. "I love you, Harry."

"I love you too," he declares.

As Seamus and Dean carry Hermione's limp body down from the boy's dormitory, Harry turns to Ginny and grins. His dream has come true. He takes her hand and together they happily trot to the dormitory.

Proudly, he throws back his head and proclaims:

"And so begins the sex!"

And so it did.

* * *

the end 


End file.
